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Subj:
My
News Jam submission for
"SURVIVORS SPEAK OUT!"
Date:
3/18/2005 12:50:08 AM Pacific Standard Time
From:
Dan Riordan
To:
Anniearmenlive
******************************************************************************
Dear
Angel Annie.
Here is my News Jam submission for "SURVIVORS SPEAK
OUT!"
I
hope it may help someone.
*******************
I will never forget the day that the Circuit Court Judge
passed sentence on my rapist. "You have committed a
terrible crime
against a young child," she said as she looked down at
the shaking individual. "You have stolen a child's
innocence and left him
with
a life of unthinkable consequences and for that you must
be severely punished." When I heard those
words I was certain that
I
would see real justice being done. I had no knowledge
whatsoever of the laws and the sentencing structures of
Ireland.
What
she said next was as bad as being raped all over again.
"I
am sentencing you to 18 months in prison. I will review
the sentence in 3 months." That hurt so bad.
I call him a rapist because, to me, that's what he is.
He sexually molested me and buggered me on a daily basis
from the age of 10 years to 14. But I was convinced to
drop the buggery charge. I was told that it would have
no bearing on the sentence. So, believing the men in
Uniform, I dropped it. Now I regret that.
For years I blamed myself for the harms that were
inflicted on me
by
my father's friend and trusted neighbor. It was my
fault. Or so I thought it was.
After launching a campaign to have the leniency of the
sentence increased, I watched again, as three High Court
Judges listened to evidence of my abuse. I was fully
certain I would win this time.
But,
again, I was let down by the very system that was meant
to protect me as a defenseless child. "We believe that
Mr. O'Shea
has
shown genuine remorse and concern for his victim. He has
also established a relationship with a woman, whom we
feel
is
of help to him. Therefore, we have decided to reduce the
original
18
month sentence to 12 months. Because Mr. O'Shea has
already served a nine-month-sentence, he has technically
served 12 months and therefore is free to go." Those
words cut through me like a hot knife through butter.
"...whom we feel is helping
him." What about me? Who is helping me? Is there
anything in the law books for the victims of these
horrid crimes?
I needed to get some answers and to find out how this
can be stopped from happening to someone else. I started
to research Irish Laws surrounding the abuse of children
and, immediately, began a public campaign to have the
laws strengthened. Much to my attempts, this struggle
continues today.
Severe depression and suicidal thoughts entered my
innocent life. Again, like so many times as a teenager,
I wanted to die. I saw no future for me. All my dreams
and hopes of leading a "normal" life
were
shattered to pieces by the words of four judges and the
unthinkable actions of one man.
I had no clue where I was. I saw this woman stand by me.
It took a few minutes for me to recognize this woman as
my mother. Immediately I began to cry out of control, as
did my mother. "I am sorry, Mam." I said. She took my
hand in hers and said, "Dan, you did nothing wrong. Stop
blaming yourself."
And she was right. But, of course, I didn't see it that
way. I believed
that, way back when I was ten, I could have prevented
it. I could
have
stopped that man from hurting me. But I didn't.
I found out later from a Nurse, that I was found on the
road side
near
the harbor wall almost dead from an overdose of drugs.
At
that time, It was estimated that I would die within 24
hours. I walked from the hospital the next day. Do I
call it luck or was there someone taking care of me? I
prefer the latter.
I was referred to a Psychiatrist, whom I was told would
"help me" get
through my problems. I will add at this point that I had
been seen by many Psychiatrists and Psychologists since
I was ten. From that young age I was taking prescribed
drugs - Seroxat, Prozac and others, over a period of
years.
The same Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Alcoholism and
suggested that I attend AA. He said that I have chosen
not to heal from my past by drinking and that the drink
was my only problem.
Of
course, I had respect (or maybe fear) for people in
authority, so I believed him. He also told me that the
drugs he prescribed, Anti-booze and Prozac, would help
me. Being convinced that I had 'run
out
of ideas', I agreed to take the drugs on a daily basis,
supervised.
Each morning, I became violently ill. I told the
Psychiatrist this on many occasions but he disagreed. He
said that it was impossible. I told him that I was
becoming more depressed and had suicidal thoughts on a
regular basis. He disagreed. He refused to take me
off
the drugs and told me that I would be taking the
Anti-booze for
at
least another three years. This was in December 2001.
A
week before Christmas, I had taken another overdose and
ended up in a Psychiatric hospital. The Psychiatrist
brought me to his office the following morning and asked
how I felt. "I feel bad.
I
want to die," I said. He disagreed and said that I was
just looking
for
attention. He then discharged me from the hospital,
where I felt safe.
From that point on, I refused to see a Psychiatrist and
only
attended my Family Doctor, whom I might add, is just
fantastic. He immediately took me off Anti-booze and
Prozac and wanted to try
me
out on some new medication called Effexor XL. I began to
take them and felt that they were working. For a long
time, I did not feel depressed or suicidal. But one day,
as I sat on my own in my apartment, I felt a sudden urge
of anger and frustration. I not
only wanted to die, but wanted to kill my abuser. I
called my
Doctor, who immediately came to my apartment with two
Police
men.
(He told me that the Police were there to protect him).
He
told me that I needed to talk to someone about my
problems,
that
my main issue was that I was locking up my past, which
was turning into a time bomb. He referred me to a Rape
Counselor,
whom
I found to be an Angel sent from above. I could talk
with
her and not feel that I was being judged. She spoke 'my
language' and never pressured me to delve into my past.
We took it a day at a time, and I feel she traveled with
me.
To cut this short, I have stopped taking medication. My
medication is
Meditation and talking openly about my past, in the
hopes that my journey, as hard as it is to talk about,
may help someone in a similar situation.
I don't need drugs to live. I don't need authority to
tell me how I should live. I make my own decisions now
and have not failed
myself yet. I am no longer the Victim. I am a Survivor.
I have
survived the most cruel and vile abuse at the hands of a
neighbor and the mouths of those whom I respected.
I tell myself each day, "I have Survived."
*********************
Thank you Angel Annie. |
